Seeing Stars?

What if TV action stars had made their way into MMA? It’s an interesting thought, akin to thoughts of making out with a hot third cousin: just as a good image meanders though the mind I get the heebie-jeebies, because I have an inkling that if Chuck Norris, Steven Segal or Van Damme starred in MMA events it would look a little like the Village People. Norris would walk in to the octagon in chaps, like  a bronco-riding Ranger, Segal would be fighting in a cop uniform (being a reserve deputy sheriff) and Van Damme would stroll into the octagon wearing  a pair of tight  jeans and not much else, giving GSP a run for his money.

Norris would have changed ground-and-pound altogether by using the third fist that smashes out from his beard.  How would you defend against that?   And here’s a guy who has his own school, Chuck Can Do. No, wait, Chun Kuk Do. Chuck was a professional middleweight Karate champion, and  actually starred in a movie called Octagon...back in 1980, Octagon referring to a criminal gang in the movie. How cool is that?

I picture Segal octagon-side in his police uniform and shades, a Big Gulp stiffened with Rye Whiskey in his hand, the stoic look on his face more like someone who needs to fart rather than fight, sans ponytail after seeing the Kimo-Gracie fight from UFC a-million-years-ago. But Seagal is no joke. He’s a 7 th dan degree and Shihan in Aikido, and in case you missed it he cornered Anderson Silva in UFC 117. He is also a movie producer. Anyone who has achieved the success he has in such a difficult business as show business is simply the type to excel in whatever he does. Seagal might not have become an MMA champ, but you can bet a few opponents would have lost an elbow. Seagal is a Buddhist, though, not exactly the religion of choice for someone wanting to ass-kick. We all know Seagal is- A Dangerous Man.

Van Damme’s styles consist of Taekwondo, Shotokan, kickboxing and Muay Thai. He’s no slouch. He also took ballet. Talk about mixed martial arts.  Van Damme was fighting full contact fights in Europe when Dana White was still drinking wine behind the school. Van Damme was extremely flexible and agile and had he entered the octagon he would have made a Hard Target. Van Damme in his prime would be a serious rival to GSP for female fans.

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But the real man’s man, in this writer’s humble opinion, is the star of the movie that actually inspired the octagon as we know it, and that man is Charles Bronson. The movie?  A period piece called Hard Times. If you haven’t seen it, punch yourself in the face and call yourself “Idiot!”  In this stellar movie, which was made at the same time as Rocky but was waaaaaay better, Bronson plays a 30’s drifter named Cheney who fights in back room contests where money is made off bets.  A chain link fence plays a notable role in one of the fights. This was Royce’s favorite movie and was an inspiration to what we know as the UFC and the octagon today. The movie casting, sets, story line and fight choreography is nothing if not perfect. After I saw it for the first time I went out and made a urinal out of all the Rocky tapes. Consider this: Bronson was a coal miner who made $1 for every ton of coal mined, and was an aerial gunner in WWII who was a recipient of a purple heart. Now there’s a real tough guy. Case closed.

By Renko Styranka
ProFighting-fans.com MMA Staff Writer